If you asked me today, I’d say that I’m well into it. Recent fluctuations in blood sugar levels, balance related falls, a tiredness so deep it hurts, waning interests in things and foods I usually enjoy, dimming vision, aches and pains that resist medication — all this tells me I have fallen to the next level. How many days, weeks, months, years can I stay at this level? I don’t know.
I dare not have any goals lest I jinx myself. Our new condo will be ready by mid-June. Dare I hope?
Paying attention to my study abroad business pushed me to a new level of efficiency and creativity. But now it’s a fight. I search for ways to motivate myself.
My energy is most drained by the daily fight with banks to do business normally. If only JPMorgan Chase performed as well as the bots that drive their automated messages. Thanks to David, we are making progress.
If there is a special place In hell, I hope it’s reserved for the insurance industry and risk attorneys. I hope I don’t join them there.
I don’t know when my time will come. I do know that there are no special words, incoming or outgoing, that will make any difference. What’s done is done. Time to move on. Regrets are a wasted emotion.
Family and friends getting this know the specialness of each relationship. Andrew, Olivia, Angelica, Emma, and Jack are just emerging as adults and our transactions have been few. Circumstance has denied us the opportunity we needed to deepen our bonds. I leave these writings for you to reacquainf yourselves with me and to find messages hidden within for you.
Olga transcends anything I can say. I feel we are of one soul. Her ministrations tell me every day how much I am loved. And everyone needs that in the end. I’m lucky.
No one has told me officially that I’m dying. No doctor has said, six months to live. All I want is one good day … followed by another … and so on. I don’t like the feeling of being in a meat grinder.
Even the challenge to score GENIUS on The NY Times “Spelling Bee” has waned. I go as far as I can in one sitting, then I push it aside. My brain has had all the training it will ever need. If by luck I live longer, dementia will have little time to set its course. Except for being sped up by trauma.
My first serious poem 67 years ago had the line “…mortality is life’s meager lot…” Today I first understand it. That there is more to living than just being alive. One more breath in a darkened room is a pathetic wish. Better to go out as a patriot, guns blazing, perishing for Truth. The last feeling should be euphoric, undiminished by the failures we’ve become.
Despite our many mistakes, we try to leave a trail of good. How many lives have we touched that will be better for it? I look back at my words and wonder, did I really write this, or did the resident Al bot change all the words as I went along. Did I mean the opposite of all I wrote?
I want to go out in Sinatra style, “My Way.”
But I’m afraid I’m stuck with Peggy Lee:
Lyrics
I remember when I was a little girl, our house caught on fire
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
In his arms and raced through the
Burning building out on the pavement
And I stood there shivering in my pajamas
And watched the whole world go up in flames
And when it was all over I said to myself
Is that all there is to a fire?
Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is
And when I was twelve years old
My daddy took me to the circus, the greatest show on Earth
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads
And as I sat there watching
I had the feeling that something was missing
I don't know what, but when it was over I said to myself
Is that all there is to the circus?
Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is
And then I fell in love
With the most wonderful boy in the world
We'd take long walks by the river or
Just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes
We were so very much in love
Then one day he went away and I thought I'd die, but I didn't
And when I didn't I said to myself
Is that all there is to love?
Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep
I know what you must be saying to yourselves
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me, I'm not ready for that final disappointment
Because I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you
That when that final moment comes and I'm
Breathing my last breath, I'll be saying to myself
Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.
But Peggy understood the complexity of life, and left us with a better alternative: