The quirky card you dare not send

The suspense movie, GIRLFRIENDS DAY, is about a “Girlfriend” greeting card with a never revealed inside message.

Hallmark has the greeting card market cornered with hundreds of anonymous writers chained to a paycheck, all victims of a writers block that limits them to two sentences. Many of them, with earned masters degrees from programs like the University of Iowa Writers Workshop, are struggling for their first professional bylined publication. But their creative brains have been atrophied by extreme succinctness. My advice to them is to break out of the “nicey, nicey” rut by coming to work for our virtual company, QuirkyKards, and creating messages for the gray days between holidays and personal milestones. Learn from some of our best sellers: first line on the cover and killer line inside. I say “killer” line because unlike the high suicide rate among greeting card writers, ours are usually murdered.

First, let’s propose a disgendered solution to the movie mystery:

GIRLFRIEND / Birthingfriend

And here are some useless cards designed to reform the greeting habit. Just words; no graphics - enough to drive recipients nuts. But not clever enough to be enjoyed:

TIRED OF THE SAME OLD? / Make a random call.

DON’T GET TOO EXCITED / This card was not meant for you.

I’M IN TRAINING / Choo-chooing my way back to you babe.

IF I SEEM COLD AND DISTANT / You should try Alaska in February

THAT’S THE WAY I LIKE IT / Your turn

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 … / … 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

WHEN YOU TURN THIS PAGE … / It will have been turned forever.

NOTHING TO CELEBRATE? / This card was meant for you..

PRO-LIFE ANALYSIS / Six assenting justices that pee standing up.

OPEN IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD / Now He knows.

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF BEING ALONE / You’ll never meet your match.

WHEN LIFE ONLY SERVES YOU LEMONS / Make limoncello and get tipsy.

YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN / Leave now to get the opportunity.

OPEN IF YOU BELEVE IN GOD / He knows you hesitated.

BRACE YOURSELF / It’s cheaper than the dentist.

GET WITH THE PROGRAM / Eventually you’ll find the best pizza.

THIS GREETING IS MEANT FOR BARBIE / Ken hopes someone sends it to you.

IF THIS CARD FINDS YOU IN THE CLOSET / Turn on the light.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY / Save this misprint; someday it will be worth lots of money.

LOOKING FOR TRUE HAPPINESS / Now you’ve gone and ruined it.

THIS IS DEFINITELY YOUR LAST CHANCE / That really was your last chance

NO NEED TO BUY A CARD / Just resend this one.

HUNGERING FOR SOMETHING MORE IN LIFE? / Chew on this (100% recycled).

WHERE THERE’S A WILL / There may be some money in your future.

THREE THINGS I’LL NEVER SHARE WITH YOU / Name, address, phone number.

LOOKED FOR YOU ON OUR CRUISE / Missed the boat again, eh?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED / You’re probably over reaching.

YOU’RE ON MY SH*T LIST / At least you were noticed.

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY / The end is near.

***

We at QuirkyKards hope you enjoyed our free inaugural monthly list. Once you’ve subscribed, a new list will pop up in your mailbox on the first of each month. A Premium Subscription will entitle you to a box of printable card stock (100 count) in your choice of colors: Plain White, Snow White or Great White Shark. Plan on visiting our first Kard store opening in Rejavik next January. And later in Kiev, Kabul, Kathmandu, followed by other cities with a “K” in their name. Look for our special winter events like the Hallmark Card Bonfire where permitted by law.