Of all the intellectuals writing in the public square, I respect most Maria Popova and her blog The Marginalian. Recently she introduced me to a new concept: LIMERENCE. In short, it is a scientific term for Love-at-First-Sight.
Dorothy Tennov was the philosopher/psychologist who first articulated the concept, though creative writers like Stendhal and Baldwin knew full well its effects. Maria Popova writes:
Tennov detailed her revelatory findings in the 1979 book Love and Limerence(public library), in which she describes limerence as “an uncontrollable, biologically determined, inherently irrational, instinct-like reaction” that gnaws at the foundation of our vain beliefs about free will, unique among human experience in the total control it assumes of one’s thought process and the total helplessness of the thinker, no matter their degree of intelligence, emotional maturity, self-awareness, psychological stability, or force of will. Indeed, the single most crucial feature of limerence Tennov found is “its intrusiveness, its invasion of consciousness against our will.”
You can read Maria Popova’s complete article here: https://www.themarginalian.org/2021/11/25/love-and-limerence-dorothy-tennov/?mc_cid=4da61b8017&mc_eid=5ad76df0c6
Anyway, having written about “endings” in my last column, I felt the need to write about “beginnings.” Two personal divorces and a dozen in my immediate family had left me pondering my fatalistic point of view about marriage. Surprisingly none of this ever discouraged me from starting new relationships. I began to think, maybe I’m just addicted to the hormonal rush of falling in love.
So, let’s find out.
Limerence is not unrequited love. I’ve had plenty of that. Going back to my college days, I often developed a “crush” on a young lady I knew in class or from college activities. Sometimes it was a slow burn of “deepening affection.” It was very painful when there was no reciprocation, but eventually I moved on. I didn’t feel desperate because sometimes reciprocated affection didn’t work out anyway.
If you’ve read my column on “Life’s Romantic Path,” you’ll know that I had only two such events in my life when I met someone and for no reason at all had an immediate deep feeling for them. One was with an adult student in my evening class and one was with my eventual 2nd wife.
The problem with such instant reactions, they can be negative too. For years I had an extremely negative reaction to Meryl Streep. I could never source my feelings to a person in my past life whom she resembled. Eventually her talent overcame my inexplicable negativity, and now I wouldn’t miss a film featuring her.
Frankly, I am more prone to hate-at-first-sight than love-at-first-sight. That’s because bad impressions, of appearance and actions, seem like a personal affront. But when I already like someone, such negativities are easily overlooked.
In matters of the heart, I seem to have a barrier that needs breaking in order to gain my attention. While beauty is the main attractant for many men, I perceive a boring sameness from face to face, body to body. A standard emerges in the culture through movies, advertising and other public media. Notice in certain communities or countries a particular shade of a color dominates in most hair styles, reddish being among the most frequent. And many women alter themselves, more through make-up than surgery, to conform to the standard. It would be the off-look that might seize my attention and make love-at-first-sight possible. I like a little imperfection, or a look that I never encountered before, either in my dreams or in my contacts.
My current wife is very beautiful, especially when she offers you her smile. I rented a room in her house for almost six weeks before I looked at her that way (especially since I was still married). As a Russian, she combined Slavic looks with Central Asian, and even today in Moscow, I have never met her doppelgänger. She was a brilliant scientist, a lover of Russian literature, courageously living in America, providing support for her daughter and grandkids in Moscow - with a face whose expressions galloped across the arc of Russian history. For me, complexity is the name of the game.
Further, I am the flip side of a crypto coin. I am the obese son of an obese mother. As I grew into that stature, my first wife threateningly pushed me to return to the romantic weight ot my twenties. After the breakup, my friends and family kept telling me, “You’re still handsome. Why dont you lose weight, and get in shape. There are plenty of girls out there looking.” My response was always, “If someone is going to love me it will be for who I am and not what I look like.”
After 8 years of being single, I did find that someone. Vindication did not make up for the loneliness of waiting. Organizations like “Parents Without Partners” proved a good testing ground. I gained insight into my preference for the slowly evolving relationships rather than the passionate evidence of garments strewn down a hallway and across a bedroom. I was not psychologically set up for limerence in human relationships.
I was more into love-at-first-site, easily falling in love with cozy restaurants, hilly places where echoes returned in Italian, Sears Catalog houses, red convertibles, Beach Boy concerts and anything that pleasantly shook me out of my comfort zone - even the grandchildren and children of my new wives.
I am glad that love-at-first-sight is not part of my emotional lexicon. Limerence just plops into your life, no rhyme or reason, and requires the once in a million chance that your object will be limerent too. And if it works out, you are like umbilical twins sharing a singular emotion without foundation.
However, there is a sneaky side to limerence of which one should be wary. When you do meet someone who has stolen your heart, one tends to build up fantasies about them. You create the person that could have been limerent. Such is as irrational as love-at-first-sight. Both lack staying power.
How much better to have peeled back the onion of discovery during the emotional foreplay upon which a huge romantic relationship is based. Limerence is a strong but hollow love, while “falling in love” is is a long delightful process that usually lasts about 6 years. Starting with year seven, discoveries about each other yield to discoveries about yourselves as a couple. If you are addicted to “falling in love,” you may be in trouble. My three marriages passed the critical point.
If you are looking for a marriage that lasts a lifetime, get married at a much older age. I met and fell in love with Olga when I was 74-years-old.
Here is another Maria Popova article on the link between love and music:
https://www.themarginalian.org/2021/12/04/general-theory-of-love-music-emotion/?mc_cid=76717efc40&mc_eid=5ad76df0c6
I am getting more openings for my personal columns than my world views. If there’s a topic you’d like me to explore, please let me know.
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